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NOTICE: this game is for grown-ups.
If you are younger than 18, please go away. |
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Slowpoker
is a competitive spanking game for two people. There's a
lot of suspense
as each card is turned over. If more than two want to play,
choose two at random, and then the loser of each game plays a random
person (of those who have not yet played), until everyone has
played. If the loser has to play someone else, the 10
quitter spanks are omitted.
- Shuffle and cut - low card assumes the position and is spanked first.
- Deal the cards, face up, one at
a time. The spanker
deals; the spankee must ask for each card, perhaps by a tap.
-
As each card is dealt, spanking is done based on the five
most recently dealt cards, (including the one just dealt) as a poker hand.
Spanks are based on the value of this hand, as given in this table:
|
hand |
number
of spanks |
|
pair |
1 |
|
two pair |
2 |
|
three of a kind |
3 |
|
straight |
4 |
|
flush |
5 |
|
full house |
6 |
|
four of a kind |
7 |
|
straight flush |
8 |
- For the first four cards dealt, spanking is based on the partial hand. But it is never a flush or straight if there are less than five cards.
- When the Queen of Spades is dealt,
switch positions. Do it before the spanking for that card, if any.
- When the end of the deck is reached, shuffle and start over - do not switch positions.
- If
the spankee wants to stop, he says uncle,
and loses the game. But he may only say uncle after a
card for which he was spanked, before the next card is
dealt. (and he is never allowed to know what that card would have
been.) He can only say uncle if at least five cards have
been dealt, since he became spankee.
- After the spankee says uncle, he gets any spanks that are implied by the showing cards, as follows: Three cards are dealt
face down. For each face-down card, spanking is based on the five
most recently dealt cards, or rather, on the face-up ones of them.
- Then the spankee gets ten more spanks, called quitter spanks, unless you are playing that the loser has to play someone else.
For example, the sequence:
7, 9, J, 9, 6, J, A, 4, 2, J,
K, K,
yields spanks as follows:
7, no spanks.
7, 9, no spanks.
7, 9, J, no spanks.
7, 9, J, 9, one spank for
the
pair of nines.
7, 9, J, 9, 6, one spank for
the
pair of nines. (This is the first point at which the spankee could say uncle.)
7, 9, J, 9, 6, J, two spanks, for the nines and the
jacks.
7, 9, J, 9, 6, J, A, one spank for the jacks.
7, 9, J, 9, 6, J, A, 4, no spanks.
7, 9, J, 9, 6, J, A, 4, 2, no spanks.
7, 9, J, 9, 6, J, A, 4, 2, J,
one spank for the jacks.
7, 9, J, 9, 6, J, A, 4, 2, J,
K, no spanks.
7, 9, J, 9, 6, J, A, 4, 2, J,
K, K,
one spank for the kings.
Suppose the spankee says uncle at this point: then three cards are dealt face down, and spanked for, as follows:
7, 9, J, 9, 6, J, A, 4, 2, J,
K, K, [],
one spank for the kings.
7, 9, J, 9, 6, J, A, 4, 2, J,
K, K, [], [], one spank for the kings.
7, 9, J, 9, 6, J, A, 4, 2, J,
K, K, [], [], [],
one spank for the kings.
then there are the 10 quitter spanks. (Unless the loser will be playing someone else.)
Variations:
Joker's wild. The joker is assigned
a value - number and suit - by the spanker when it is dealt.
It keeps that value as subsequent cards are dealt.
Draw poker: For any hand that is two pair or three
of a kind, or that has four cards of a straight or a flush, the spanker gives spanks
for it as dealt, if any, then replaces one card of the hand with a newly
dealt card. If the hand increases in value by the new card, the spanker spanks for the value of the new hand.
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- May 2004 -
David Nunes da Silva
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